Nice Guys Like Tits and Beer Too.

Bits and Teer

2008-07-15T23:02:00.003-04:00

You have a block of ice.
You find yourself spending more and more time with this block of ice, and eventually it becomes your best friend.
Sadly, after a while you notice it beginning to melt.
One day it confronts you and tells you that it would rather be water afterall.

That sucks.

Do not bother

2008-05-22T19:30:00.001-04:00

I have compiled a list of things that are a waste of time.
This list comes from my extensive life experience, and is thus super great.
Here is the list:

- Everything

Think about it.

aq[sk[kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk./,

It's over.

2008-05-18T23:47:00.002-04:00

I had to break up with Angie.

I just can't keep up with her and her seventy five thousand children.

Wait... could it be?

It's true.

Angie is Mother Nature. Mother to us all.

So that must make me... totally radical.

Celebrity Gossip!

2008-05-12T15:44:00.002-04:00

My intention is not to allow this space to become a blog about celebrities and how fat they are in photos and how funny that can be.

My intention is however to enjoy breasts and the females attached to them.

Megan Fox is very attractive, even with pasties on.

I would like to be her nice guy friend.

We would meet through a mutual acquaintance.

Over a couple of weeks of bouncing cute emails back and forth, she would open up to me about how much of an asshole her rich model boyfriend is.

"What are you thinking of doing about it?" I'd ask.

"I should totally dump his ass. I should do it!" She would lie, as though she believed it.

"Yeah, well, maybe it's for the best. I'm here for you!" I would reply anxiously.

Two days later we'd talk and she'd tell me how she was going to dump him, but then he said something really romantic and she changed her mind. How could she dump him? He looked so hot and just said something romantic for the first time ever! Maybe she had finally managed to change him!

Her hot cousin then joined them for a threesome. She just happened to be in his bathroom at the time. What a strange coincidence! She knew she shouldn't do it... but she was such a bitch for thinking about breaking up with him... he deserved a special treat! Plus if she didn't, then maybe he would get bored and leave her! Oh my god! No more romance!

Over the next six months her boyfriend would be teetering on the edge of insanity, trying desperately not to murder me. I am however, the Nice Guy, and thus immune to him. If anything should happen to me, we would then enter into the grey area known as the "He's such a nice guy... I feel bad... maybe I should sleep with him" zone.

Note: Many speculate that this zone does not actually exist.

I would send her flowers on her birthday. He would forget entirely.

I would send her a cuddly teddy bear with a cute note "joking" about being her valentine. He would forget entirely.

Hey, here's a box of your favorite candies! Why? Just thinking of you!

He would eat the candy.

In the end, he dumps her for an actress who's known around town for doing anal on the second date.

At last! My time has come!

"I'm here for you! Forget about him! He was a dickhead!"

This is it!

"You're so amazing! You're like the brother I never had!"

The End.

But not really. Over the next few years she has a string of football players and models hanging off of her, drooling.

Of course, I've learned my lesson.

Next time she ignores me for a musclebound ass... I'm totally out of there! For real!

If you make a website where people need to fill things out and submit them, then here's a tip...

2008-04-17T22:39:00.004-04:00

Make sure it actually fucking works.
Also, when you hire people to do tech support on said site, kindly inform them of this: Telling people that they need to allow cookies in their browser is an obvious way of saying "I r stoopid with complooters an don know whatza problorms ares."

This is like, the tenthteenth post in row where I am not trying desperately to be funny and instead am venting about how terrible things are in day to day life. I don't want this to become a habit, so please people, take some fucking pride in your work.

Next on the table is this:

And now that that's out of the way, the next order of business is the faucet in the men's washroom on the fifth floor. I think we all know who's been clogging up the urinals with torn up porno magazines, but I'm willing to let it slide if it stops immediately.

Case closed.

Hey assholes on Ebay...

2008-04-06T01:42:00.002-04:00

...not every piece of shit you want to sell is fucking R@RE you fucking dicks.
Fuck off.

Nice tits... crappy beer.

Why do they call it a cold...

2008-03-05T21:37:00.002-05:00

... if I'm frigging boiling up?

This picture is named "jessica-simpson-saggy". I must wonder aloud if these people have ever seen a real boob. In other news... Jessica Simpson has big boobs. Nice.

The pounding on your back is the ape of life.

2008-02-18T22:19:00.002-05:00

Sometimes you can do things right and people are still assholes.

Right Angie?

She agrees.

Here's a story I will invent soon:

Bewbz.

The Power Of Shredding Asses in Space

Richard B. Malice was angry with the direction his band was taking. Their bewbcore metal style had been carefully developed over the last fifteen hundred millenia and he was sure they were on the cusp of some major rockage. The other members felt differently however. They believed that adopting a more twangticular tone would be their best bet if they wanted to one day play at the Dragondome. He was torn between leaving behind his band.... his songs... and starting over again.
Suddenly, the room exploded.
Debris was thrown about like a dead hooker on a ferris wheel that was really fast for some reason.
Richard B. Malice barely had time to adjust his eyes.
It was the Lameulations. Cyborgian Metabots from Damnation Bad.
He grabbed his axe, which doubled as an actual axe, and smashed it into the cranium of the first Lameborg. It's head exploded in a cloud of blood and clockwork. Chunks ricocheted off of Richard B. Malice's face.
It was good.
He felt alive again.
Another bot grimaced poignantly as it's guts were removed from it's torso. They splattered on the ground with a distinct "clonk" sound. Robotic turd flooded the area.
The third bot hesitated, which gave Richard B. Malice more than enough time to chew it's face off and wash it down with ten beers. It's lifeless robotic corpse detonated instantly.
Richard B. Malice examined the room with a toothpick, searching for clues that would solve the case... and maybe... just maybe... his life...
THE LAST BOT LEAPT FROM THE DARKNESS!!!!
The mighty axe was now dulled from the carnage of the last few days.
All he could do... was play...
BWWWWWOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAOIIIIIIIIIIIWN.
Baaaaa dididididididididdododdodododoooooooowee didi didi doooooooiiiiiiiiOOOWWWWdooooiiiiiOOOOWWW fa fllaaaaaaaaam buh buh buh buh beeetooodiiimdadimdadimdadimdadimda gleeeeeeennnnnnnplooofjejrjeoooooooskoskoskoskosoks gbobo.
He played for sixteen days.
Everyone died violently because his music was the most rockblastulor in all of existence.
They understood that now.
They understood him now.
All Richard B. Malice could do... was murder people horrifically.
The End?

Not all days are erotic.

2008-01-24T21:11:00.000-05:00

Some days murdering the entire world seems like a great idea.
I would live in the woods, in a cabin on a lake. I would only leave my cottage to venture to town and scavenge the remains of civilization for food and video games.
If I had to fight zombies, that would be awesome.
I'd probably visit some cool places, like the Playboy Mansion, which would be a disappointment because the babes would be dead.
All in, today sucked, but the future looks bright!

Here's some content, for contents sake.

2008-01-18T21:21:00.000-05:00

Here are pictures involving beer and boobs in some form.

Can't blame him. His sister is hot.

Like mother, like daughter.

Practical.

No beer in shot, however assumption of beers involvement is strong.

Daaaaang Again Fuck Smpleh

2008-01-18T21:09:00.000-05:00

Have you ever like, done something, and then forgot about it, and then you find it, and then you read it, and it's like, the funniest thing ever, and it's like you didn't even write it in the first place, and then as you're typing about it it gets less funny, but you've already invested all this time, and you know you've slightly worn down the life of your keyboard anyways so you may as well go ahead and finish typing shit even if it's stupid?
That would be cool.

Daaaaaaaaaang

2006-01-21T23:41:00.000-05:00

I totally forgot about this.
Guess I was too busy getting ah-laaaaaaaaaaid and ah-druuuuuuunk.
WOOOOOOOHAW!

Here's some Stupid Sex Laws to make up for it, beezneetches.

Cock balls

2005-01-17T18:40:00.000-05:00

Well, nothing happened for a while and then I got some spam with the following subject:

"Peeing girl washes her pussy"

Now that is just too hot.

Remember girls, nothing is sexier than personal hygene.

This just in: Boobs infinitely more popular than classic literature

2005-01-08T13:45:00.000-05:00

I should have assumed that pictures of fat mammaries would get me my first comments.
And actually, I did.
Case closed.

I found another good use for blogs.
They make you realize that exciting new things don't actually happen to you very often.
I think the best way to make up for this is to just fake it.
I was deep in thought over the subject when suddenly my doorbell rang.
It was my girlfriend Angelina Jolie. She decided to come over and surprise me!
Yay!
She had just got undressed when without warning a band of Nazi Ninja Zombie Robots burst through the windows, irritating me and causing me to demolish them with mad skillz while Angie (she let's me call her that) was bouncing up and down excitedly.
All in all a pretty dull day. Hopefully something great will happen tomorrow. I'll keep you posted.

2005-01-07T14:08:00.000-05:00

Boing boing.

I'm pretty sure Jesus actually died out of boredom.

2005-01-07T13:27:00.000-05:00

I continued my adventure through the "next blog" button and something else has come to my attention.
Some people remind me of this time I found a dead thing somewhere that had bugs and stuff eating it.

Your eyes are broken. I'm not lying.

This blog has popups and all kinds of annoying bullshit going on which I'm sure are malicious and full of ill-intent. In return, I am giving him some free advertising in the form of an insult: You are terrible.

If every dream I had is of you, I would want to throw up until I died.

This is what blogging is all about. It's like a bet to see who can waste the most of other peoples time.

Alright, that's it. I was gonna do a lot more, but it's become too boring to us all. There's only so many shitty embedded songs and humongous pictures of characters from Final Fantasy that I can stomach.

I apologize and will post some boobs for you to diddle yourself with as a peace offering. If you don't like boobs, then you're out of luck. This is a no cock blog.

OMG, like, life is like, WHATEVER!!!!11!!!!!1!!!

2005-01-07T13:10:00.000-05:00

Being a new blogger is an interesting experience.
You end up going and reading a lot of other blogs just because you can't quite fathom why anyone would bother.
It seems lot of people are miserable, and that's understandable.
Not wanting to be left out of my new found community, I present to you my adoring reader (me), my misery:

Smeh.

I think that sums it up nicely.
If you don't get it, then you just aren't miserable enough.
Go choke a cat or something.

Current mood: Need more beer.

I'm so bored I think I'll kill for sport.

2005-01-06T20:04:00.000-05:00

I've been indoors for quite a while now, sitting around, fooling myself into thinking I accomplished something by getting a new job.
Actually, that's pretty good.
I ate some chicken today. That's pretty exciting.
What a great use of the Internet this is.

I'll write a poem to validate the existence of this retarded website.

Mika Bo Bee
Look, that dog is pee
ing
Sometimes I am awsome
Like Super Powered ants
ome
Poems are great
But not when I write them and ate
pizza

I have a cold.

2005-01-06T02:04:00.000-05:00

I wrote the greatest fan-fiction story of all time.
Not yet.
Now.

The Greatest Fanfic of All Time

One day He-Man decided to tell Eternia to fuck off 'cause he was sick of wearing those pink pants when he was Prince Adam.
So anyways, he totally left and took a dump on Skeletors Snake Mountain as he flew away.
It was awsome.
He decided to live on Cybertron, because he thought it would be cool to have his own transforming robots, but then Prowl rolls up and he's like "Nuh uuuuuh. You have to go away dude." but it was cool, because Megaman came and blasted the shit out of him. There was blood and everything but I don't know why. Then He-Man and Megaman decided to chill and smoke a fatty.
"Dude, this is good shit. Haha. Whooo. But seriously, why does life exist man?" He-Man said, eloquintedly.
"Brrrt. I am a robot. I have no heart or feelings" Megaman replied. He-Man could see he was totally sad inside, despite being a robot with no SOUL.
"Dude, we're totally going to go find the Mother Brain to get you a soel."
"What about Samus? Bzzzt. I am a robot."
"Fuck that ho. She swiped my stash last time she stayed over."
So later they left and started their long adventure to Mother Brain. It's gonna be long, seriosly.
So here they are in this forest and Mario and Luigi came along for fun, cause they were banging Peach and Daisy and those hos were like sleeping and they were bored.
"Hey, it'sa us! Mario and Luigi!" Said Mario. "Here'sa some pizza and ravioli as rations!"
"Radical man. We'll need food for this radical journey. Did you tell Superman to meet us?"
"Yesa!"
"Kick ass. Superman is the man. He can totally fly us to the Mother Brain in like two seconds."
Then Superman came.
"Hey dudes, check it out, I brought my pal, Jimmy Olsen."
Everyone looked annoyed because Jimmy is a bitch.
"Hey guys! Thanks for letting me join the cool party!"
He-Man took Superman aside for a second to talk to him. Jimmy is too dumb to hear them. He was picking his ass.
"Dude, why did you bring that fuckhead? He's totally gonna blow the whole thing?" He-Man said.
"Chill dawg. He's cool."
"Dude, he's totally on sides with Hordak. I saw them kissing and shit."
"Naw man, that's not true."
"Ok but if he tries to kiss me I'm totally laying the smack down on his ass."
"Whatever."
Suddenly Luigi yelled something.
So they were walking down the yellow brick road and they find the Tin Man.
Megaman got all messed up.
"Brrrrrortototot. DADDY!"
"Dude, that's not your dad. That's some guy in makeup. He's a total pedophile." Superman pointed out.
"Yeah, but it's all good, cause the makeup is gonna give him cancer and shit."
Suddenly the Tin Man threw his axe at He-Man, but He-Man caught it cause he's badass. Then he threw it back at the Tin Man.
His head fell off in slow motion. It was badass.
"Oh no. He wasn't human at all. He was really Megamans dad. Shit."
Megaman ran away.
The group decided to keep going even though they were sad because Megaman left.
They found this place with some bricks and barrels and wuthout warning a CACODEMON floated out at them furiously, but it was all good because Doom guy had lent his shotgun to Jimmy Olson after they banged the other night.
BLAM! BLAM!
Fuck yeah!
The cacoacdenmon exploded into a billion pieces of rotting flesh and ten tons of blood fell everywhere. There were a few explosions and sparks.
"Jimmy, that was awsome dude."
"Thanks."
"Hey! Looka herea! It'sa warpa pipea!" Luigi and Mario said at the same time, because of their psychic powers.
They jumped in the warp pipe and it took them to Mother Brains.
He-Man was flexing his muscles.
Superman said something. This: "Hey let's do some stuff."
They used some guns and killed Mother Brain and took her soul but then they realised Megaman was gone so they put it in a jar and sold it on Ebay.
Later that day:
The guys were chilling smoking some fatties and drinking some booze.
"Dude that was awsome. I hope we have another adventure soon."
"Yeah, and next time we'll take the ho-train!"
"lol"
They all partied for the rest of the weekend.
Megaman found Dr.Light and killed him for not giving him a soul. Then he joined the guys and they laughed about it while being awsome.
The End?

My new phone number is 455-8008

2005-01-06T00:18:00.000-05:00

It's true. Try it.
Today some boring stuff happened, and I endured it.
NEXT!